Betrayal trauma therapy for the partner who just found out

You found something. A browser history, a message, a second phone, a confession that came out in pieces. Since then you can't sleep, you check things you never used to check, and people keep telling you to calm down. You are not overreacting. What you are experiencing has a name, and it is treatable.

Betrayal trauma is the term researchers use (Jennifer Freyd first described it in 1996) for what happens when the person you depend on most is the person who deceived you. The body responds the way it responds to any threat it can't escape: hypervigilance, intrusive images, sudden anger, numbness, trouble concentrating. Studies of partners who discovered a spouse's compulsive sexual behavior find that a majority meet the symptom picture for post-traumatic stress. That is not a character flaw. It is what betrayal does to a nervous system.

What this work is, and what it is not

You are not here to be told you were codependent, or that you "enabled" anything. Older models treated the betrayed partner that way; the current clinical framework (the partner-trauma model used by APSATS and CSAT-trained clinicians) treats you as someone who was harmed and needs care on your own terms.

In session we work on three things, in roughly this order. First, stabilization: getting your sleep, safety, and daily functioning back, and putting boundaries around the checking and the questions so they stop running your day. Second, the truth: if you and your partner are considering staying together, a structured full disclosure (sometimes with a polygraph) so you are working from one complete account instead of staggered admissions that re-injure you every few weeks. Third, your own decision: whether to rebuild, separate, or wait, made from clarity rather than panic. Your forgiveness is yours. Nobody here will schedule it for you.

EMDR is available for partners whose intrusive images and body reactions don't settle with talk alone.

Who you'll work with

Spencer Posey, LMFT, is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) whose practice has centered on betrayal, disclosure, and trust repair for years. Adam Jelloian, LMFT, brings EMDR and trauma-focused training. Both see clients in Westlake Village and by telehealth anywhere in California; Spencer is also in Ventura one day a week.

What the first consult looks like

A 15-minute phone call. You tell us what happened as much or as little as you want. We tell you honestly whether we're the right fit and what we'd recommend, including if that's someone else. No pressure, no intake paperwork until you decide.